<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>body of a lover (with a masochist's brain) by extasiswings</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23568553">body of a lover (with a masochist's brain)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/extasiswings/pseuds/extasiswings'>extasiswings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>playground love [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(sort of), Canon Compliant, Eddie POV, Feelings, Kissing, M/M, Soft Eddie Diaz, There was supposed to be smut in this I don't know what happened, Unresolved Sexual Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:48:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23568553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/extasiswings/pseuds/extasiswings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t want to mess this up.”</p><p>“Neither do I,”  Eddie replies.  His hand curves around the side of Buck’s waist, and Buck shivers, the tension draining out of him like a sieve.  “So we’ll just...keep going the way we have been.  Nothing has to change.”</p><p>Buck’s lips quirk up.  “Except that I can kiss you, right?”</p><p>Eddie laughs and nods. </p><p>“Except that you can kiss me.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>playground love [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696435</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>657</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>body of a lover (with a masochist's brain)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Me: I'm going to write smut!<br/>These boys: lol you thought.</p><p>Anyway, I can't stand them.  Enjoy some Feelings and emotional responsibility and heavy makeouts instead.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So.”</p><p>Eddie comes back from putting Christopher to bed to find Buck standing awkwardly in the front entryway, thumbs hooked in his pockets, practically vibrating with nervous energy.  Which, Eddie supposes, is probably fair since their discussion at the station didn’t cover anywhere close to everything they need to talk about.  And since <em>well, I stuck my tongue in your mouth</em>, isn’t the pinnacle of clarity that he might wish it was, they should maybe, perhaps consider finishing that talk. </p><p>“So,”  he echoes, mirroring Buck’s stance as he leans against the wall.    </p><p>“I’ve never done this before,”  Buck says.  “I mean, I’ve dated, obviously, if that’s what we’re talking about—although, I guess I shouldn’t assume—”</p><p><em>Fuck, he’s cute</em>, Eddie thinks, trying to bite back a smile.</p><p>“We can call it dating,”  he assures.  “That’s what I was thinking at least.”</p><p>Buck blows out a breath and rubs the back of his neck, offering up a sheepish grin.</p><p>“I’ve never dated a guy,”  he clarifies.  </p><p>“Well,”  Eddie says, pushing off the wall and taking a few steps forward, “I haven’t dated anyone in years.  And the last time I was with a guy, I wouldn’t call what that was <em>dating</em>, so...we’re on pretty even footing there.”</p><p>“I don’t want to mess this up.”</p><p>“Neither do I,”  Eddie replies.  His hand curves around the side of Buck’s waist, and Buck shivers, the tension draining out of him like a sieve.  “So we’ll just...keep going the way we have been.  Nothing has to change.”</p><p>Buck’s lips quirk up.  “Except that I can kiss you, right?”</p><p>Eddie laughs and nods. </p><p>“Except that you can kiss me.”  He tips his face up and leans in.  </p><p>“And everything else we can take very—”  Eddie ghosts a kiss across one corner of Buck’s mouth.</p><p>“Very—”  The other.</p><p>“Slow.”  </p><p>Buck makes a soft noise when Eddie kisses him, his hands coming up to Eddie’s hips as Eddie presses him up against the wall.  And it is slow—slow when Eddie drags his teeth over Buck’s lower lip, slow when he follows that with a pass of his tongue that makes Buck’s hands tighten—every second lingering and thorough and deliberate.  </p><p>Buck is flushed when he pulls back, and Eddie can’t help the hot curl of satisfaction that unwinds in his chest.  They may not be in a rush to fall into bed, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to enjoy doing a good thing right.</p><p>“Fuck,”  Buck breathes.</p><p>Eddie smirks.  “Not yet.  Slow, remember?”</p><p>Buck laughs and lightly shoves him back.  “You know, I’m not convinced you mean that at all.  I think you’re just a tease.”</p><p>Eddie curls his fingers in the front of Buck’s shirt and pulls him down for a very different kiss—fast, hot, and filthy.</p><p>“I might be,”  he admits as he steps away after another moment.  “But I’ll take care of you, don’t you worry.”  </p><p>Buck swears under his breath, but he’s betrayed by the smile playing around his mouth and the spark in his eyes.</p><p>“I’m going home,”  he says.  “Because I am a responsible, classy guy who doesn’t put out on the first date.”</p><p>“How about the second?”  Eddie teases.  “Kidding,”  he adds, his smile softening as he hooks a finger through one of Buck’s belt loops.  “I do mean it, you know.  I don’t want to rush this either.” </p><p>He did that with Shannon—taking her to bed because he was lonely, because he was touch-starved, because she was familiar—even though sleeping with her just made everything more complicated.  And he meant it at the station when he told Buck that he forgives him, but that doesn’t mean they should go ahead and throw sex into the mix.  Not yet.</p><p>So.  Slow.</p><p>Eddie kisses Buck one more time, soft and swift, and then lets him go.</p><p>“Goodnight, Buck.”</p><p>“Night, Eddie.”</p><p>Buck whistles all the way down the drive and Eddie grins as he leans against the door until he can no longer hear it.  </p><p>Slow is good.</p>
<hr/><p>Eddie keeps going to fight club, keeps winning questionably legal, bare-knuckle brawls in the sketchiest parts of the city.  </p><p>He doesn’t tell Buck.  </p><p>He’s not an idiot—he knows, he <em>knows</em> that it’s off, that if there truly was nothing wrong with it, he wouldn’t be keeping it from his...boyfriend?  Partner?  Person.  But he needs it, the release that comes with fighting, so that he doesn’t feel so close to snapping the rest of the time when he’s supposed to have it together for everyone else.  </p><p>So he goes out and fights on nights when Christopher has sleepovers or Carla wants an extra shift, and then he washes off the blood and sweat and goes to Buck’s with bruised knuckles to kiss him senseless.  Speechless.  </p><p>(<em>Slow</em> doesn’t mean <em>nothing</em> after all.)</p><p>
  <em>”Fuck you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Eddie laughs and nips at Buck’s neck when he tips his head back.  “I knew you’d like the truck.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>”Just for that, I’m changing my mind.  I hate the truck, I think it’s ridiculous.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>”You think it’s hot.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Buck retaliates by pushing Eddie back against the couch cushions and kissing him hard.  “Maybe I just think the guy driving it is hot.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>”Prove it.”</em>
</p><p>And then, the night everything goes wrong, Eddie doesn’t shower, doesn’t change, doesn’t even think—he just drives on autopilot and doesn’t even realize where he is until he gets out of the truck.  He’s antsy, keyed up, thoughts spiraling in too many directions.   </p><p>“Eddie?  What’s—”  Buck’s brow knits together when he opens the door, but Eddie doesn’t let him finish the next question, kissing him and pushing him back inside.  There’s nothing soft about it, nothing sweet, nothing nice, but Buck takes it, letting Eddie pin him to the door as it closes behind them.  Eddie gets his hands under Buck’s shirt as he licks into his mouth, fingers sliding over hard muscle.</p><p>“Is this okay?”  Eddie asks breathlessly as he pulls back, mouth trailing along Buck’s jaw and down his neck.</p><p>Buck’s hands flex hard on Eddie’s hips as he swallows.  </p><p>“That depends,”  he pants, pushing Eddie back a little more.  “Are you?”</p><p> Eddie stills like he’s been dashed with ice water, guilt twisting his stomach.  He withdraws his hands, but curls his fingers in the front of Buck’s shirt, dropping his eyes.  </p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>“Hey,”  Buck says quietly, one hand coming up to touch Eddie’s cheek.  When Eddie reluctantly looks up, Buck’s eyes are soft.  “If you want to show up in the middle of the night and fuck me, I’m good with that.  But not if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.”</p><p>Eddie sighs heavily and steps back, rubbing a hand over his face.  “Sorry.  I’m—sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize for that,”  Buck replies.  “It was hot, I was into it, I’m not complaining.  But you haven’t exactly been acting like yourself lately so…”</p><p>“I fucked up,”  Eddie admits.  “I’ve been...doing some stuff and tonight I...really hurt someone.  And I just needed…”</p><p>“To screw it all away?”  Buck offers.  “Yeah, I used to be the king of that.  Feels good.  For awhile.  Doesn’t fix anything though.”</p><p>Eddie looks down at his hands, at the scrapes on them, the blood and dirt under his nails.  And he feels sick.  Because wasn’t the whole point that he <em>wasn’t</em> going to fuck this up with sex?</p><p>“I should go.”</p><p>“You should stay,”  Buck says.  “Stay the night, talk to me—maybe later we can even revisit the whole making out against a door thing.  But stay.  I’m not upset.”</p><p>“I think I might get fired,”  Eddie admits, and Buck pushes off the door and closes the space between them.</p><p>“Eh.  Bobby tried that with me once.  Didn’t stick.  And you’re way less annoying than I was when that happened so you’ll probably be fine.”</p><p>Buck smiles and Eddie can’t help mirroring it, the tightness in his chest slowly dissipating.</p><p>“I should shower,”  Eddie says.  “I’m kind of gross.”</p><p>“You think I’m gonna turn down the chance to have you naked in my place?”  Buck teases, hip-checking Eddie as he walks past.  “Extra towels are under the sink.”</p><p>“Hey.”  Eddie grabs Buck’s wrist on instinct, pulling him back before wrapping his free hand around the back of Buck’s neck and kissing him slow and sweet.  “Thanks.”</p><p><em>I might be falling in love with you</em>, he thinks, unbidden, and his breath catches as he steps away.</p><p>“Anytime,”  Buck replies.</p><p>Later, they’re lying in bed, Eddie in a borrowed pair of sweats, Buck propped up on one elbow when his eyes go distant, considering.</p><p>“So, uh,” he says, “you think when you were going through this whole fight club phase, maybe you were throwing punches at the wrong guy?”</p><p>Eddie sits up and stares.  “What?”</p><p>Buck shrugs.  “I’m just saying, you were pretty pissed at me—and you had a right to be with the lawsuit and everything—”</p><p>“Come on, I forgave you for that—”</p><p>“You know, I thought that day in the grocery store, you were gonna take a swing at me.”</p><p>Eddie opens his mouth to quickly dispel any such thought—he was mad, sure, but not that mad—only to notice the smirk lingering around the edges of Buck’s mouth.</p><p>“I wouldn’t do that,”  he says.  “You’re on blood thinners.”</p><p>Buck throws his head back and laughs.  “I could still take you,”  he goads.</p><p>“Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Uh huh.”</p><p>Eddie bites back a grin and rolls over onto Buck, arms on either side of his head.</p><p>“You want to know what I was thinking about doing back during all of that?”  He asks, dropping down close enough to ghost a kiss over Buck’s mouth.  “I can guarantee it was a hell of a lot more fun than punching you.”</p><p>Buck’s throat works as he swallows.</p><p>“Yeah?  Prove it.”</p><p>Eddie hums and dips his head lower, setting his teeth to Buck’s neck until Buck shivers.  Then, he rolls off of him.</p><p>“Not tonight,”  he says, if only because he would prefer for their first time to be far removed from whatever emotionally fraught mess the night had wrought.  “Soon.”</p><p>“Tease,”  Buck replies, slinging an arm across Eddie’s waist and pulling him close.</p><p>“You’re the one who wanted to date me anyway.”</p><p>“Yeah, don’t know what I was thinking there.”</p>
<hr/><p>It takes until Christmas.  Not because there’s anything specific in the way, they just...don’t find the time.  But when they get back to the station in the middle of their shift and Eddie sees Christopher and everyone else, sees the shy, pleased smile on Buck’s face, and understands instantly that he arranged everything so that Christopher could see his dad on Christmas—</p><p>Well.  Eddie makes a decision then and there that they aren’t waiting any longer.</p><p>“Come home with me tonight,”  he breathes into Buck’s ear the second they get a moment alone.</p><p>“Christopher—”</p><p>“Loves you,”  Eddie interrupts.  “He’s not going to be upset if you’re there in the morning.  In fact, he’ll probably be thrilled.”</p><p>Buck looks for a moment like he might say something, but then he shakes his head and pulls Eddie in for a kiss.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>(Buck makes pancakes in the morning.  And sure enough, Christopher doesn’t bat an eye.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Title from "Hustler" by Josef Salvat.  I've decided he's their soundtrack at this point.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>